Those Dark Feelings
by forever-fallen-kalisan
Summary: Annual psychological evaluations. Can't be that bad unless you have a past you rather noone know about...R&R thanks!
1. Default Chapter

L.A.O SVU does not belong to me it belongs to Dick Wolf...you know the rest.  
  
Elliot's eyes open slowly after another night of hardly any sleep. He knew the reason, but it was the last thing he wanted to think about. Sure he had suffered many horrifying cases but this was worse than everything he had ever been through. He picked himself up from his bed, careful not to wake Kathy and made his way to the kitchen. Hmm, 4 a.m. Coffee can't do any harm.  
  
Elliot arrived at the precinct and gave a tired smile to his partner as he walked across the room to hang up his coat. Olivia smiled back seeming equally tired and looked like she was about to say something when Cragen began.  
  
"Good morning detectives." He started with a nod to Fin, Munch, Elliot and Olivia. "As you may know we undergo the psychological testing today to see if you lot are up to scratch."  
  
Elliot could not help but feel slightly worried. All the other psychologists had failed to uncover his secret so why should Huang be any different? Elliot though could remember the scene like it was yesterday.  
  
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I was standing there...he wasn't breathing any more.he was finally gone from our lives. I turned my head to the stars and let the moon light up the red blood sprayed across my face. 


	2. New Findings

It was now Elliot's turn to face the music. He walked slowly to the office where George worked, stalling by greeting people on the way. When he finally got there, Huang looked suspicious.  
  
"You took awhile to get down here Elliot, I'm surprised you're usually quite punctual." He said, with a calm smile  
  
Elliot grinned back and put on a calm face of his own. "Just stalling on my way to death. Wouldn't you?"  
  
"It doesn't matter what I think Elliot."  
  
"Whatever"  
  
"You know Elliot, I found something quite interesting while going through your juvenile records." Elliot's mind snapped. "You don't have access to those."  
  
"Actually I do, it's regular protocol to go through childhoods to see if they will affect you in any way." Huang gave him a sideways look. "You don't have anything that serious in here, just that you were in an orphanage from age ten to sixteen." Elliot stopped himself from sighing out loud. If that was all Huang knew then it wouldn't matter.  
  
"So what was it like being in a home all that time?" He began. "Did you have many friends?"  
  
"I was fine."  
  
"Get into trouble a lot?"  
  
"You should know. Isn't it in my file?"  
  
"No.that's the strange thing actually. All the psychiatric, physical and relations notes are gone." The questions continued, mostly about his work on the force, until finally Huang let him go.  
  
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"So George, find anything?" the captain asked as they strolled through the hallways on the way to his office.  
  
"Hmm, just the usual stuff .but, there was something strange about Elliot's records."  
  
"What was it?"  
  
"The psychiatrist who did all these tests when he was younger didn't include them into the file.one Neil Mainden."  
  
"Okay. If this Mainden guy is hiding something, I want to know about it. Get on it."  
  
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There was a sharp knocking at the door of Neil Mainden the next morning. "Can I help you?" Neil asked, observing the small Asian man standing outside his door.  
  
"Are you Neil Mainden?" he asked.  
  
"Yeah, what about it?"  
  
"Have you ever treated an Elliot Stabler? In Mercy Forest group home?"  
  
"Maybe." Neil answered carefully.  
  
"May I come in?" Huang stepped inside the balding man's house. "Name's doctor George Huang, Psychiatrist, F.B.I."  
  
"You know this.Elliot?" Neil wondered, after a few drinks and getting to know the other man.  
  
"He works in Manhattan S.V.U."  
  
"SVU, eh? Last place I would've expected him to go." "So you remembered him after all."  
  
"If you're wondering why I took the records, it was because the man deserved better than to be haunted by those memories later in life."  
  
"Could I have those records? It's their annual psychological testing and I need to know if there is anything in Elliot's life that could disrupt his work."  
  
"Maybe my boy should have a little look back.hang on they're in a box somewhere."  
  
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George got back to his office quickly and opened thee box. His eyes widened as he sorted through the contents. He knew there'd be something but he had hardly expected this much. Video tapes, audio recordings and tonnes and tonnes of paper notes all in neat stacks.  
  
"Must review this stuff a lot, seeing as he keeps it in good order." Huang mumbled to himself. "Well, what better place to start than the movies?" He fished out the stacks of videos. 


	3. The Sad Beginning

(Okay. The last chapter was a little boring.but here comes the exciting bits!!) NOTE: All parts in brackets are Huang's thoughts --------------------------------------  
  
George sat in his apartment sorting through the box for notes to go with the videos. He soon found them in a folder labelled: ELLIOT VIDEO NOTES (Duh, he thought)  
  
He popped video one into the VCR and pressed play.  
  
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Video 1: (It was labelled: BEFORE I MET ELLIOT, HOME MADE VIDEO)  
  
A young man stands before a kitchen table looking at the lifeless woman draped across it. You can here him breathing, breathing harshly and deeply.  
  
"What are you gonna do now boy?" a mocking voice says in the background.  
  
Elliot the child runs up the stairs. (He's looking for something. George thought.) The camera follows him.  
  
"Stop running Elliot. There's nothing you can do. She had to die. Now come here and make things easier for yourself. If you struggle, I'll handle you like I did her and it'll be painful."  
  
Elliot found what he was looking for, a large metal pole. (God, the notes say he's only ten in this video)  
  
"Why did you do that? She was beautiful.you ruined her!" It was all too easy to see the vengeance in Elliot's very blue eyes as they met the camera. (So that's Elliot's father?) The camera was placed down on the bench pointing towards Elliot, as a large figure stepped in front of it and headed towards him. "You bastard." Elliot's voice was hardly audible. "I'll kill you!" He yelled and ran towards the very large man.  
  
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Huang had to look away several times during the process. Blood spattered the camera as a crazed Elliot continued to bring the pole down again and again on his father's past dead body.  
  
He finally stopped, dropped the pole, and made his way to the table. George swore he saw Elliot smiling peacefully as he gently stroked his mother's hair. He was covered in blood, and how he got a bear of a man like his father on the floor within seconds completely escaped George, he had to keep looking away during the entire thing.  
  
"Crap! What happened in here?" A police officer entered the room, realized the camera was recording and switched it off. 


	4. The Pain Of Memories

(Chapter 4. I hope you're all enjoying this. The last part was pretty gory. Ahwell, you'll just have to put up with it. R&R please!) P.S. Brackets still apply with either Don or Huang's thoughts  
  
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George had hardly had any sleep that night. Seeing that video had given him nightmares. He finally understood now why Elliot's files had been hidden for all that time. He went through the notes in the case and found the gap- filler for the travel between Elliot's home and the orphanage.  
  
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TRAVELLING THROUGH TO ORPHANGE-Personal notes from Neil  
  
When I first met Elliot, he seemed troubled. I asked about his past family, if they'd been good to him. He remained silent and only looked at me in reply. I decided then that I really didn't want to know. His eyes were tormented; the blue seemed too bright, yet darkened with mystery. He looked malnourished and hadn't had enough sleep.  
  
When we pulled into the orphanage's drive he gave an exasperated look at all the kids playing around in the grounds. Elliot always seemed like the kind who liked the solitude side of life. He stepped outside with just the clothes on his back then walked into the mess hall.  
  
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Huang sighed. That sounded very much like Elliot except that these days he wasn't that violent and was a lot friendlier to those around him. George was sure he ought to get down to the office. He could discuss his findings with Captain Cragen and observe Elliot's present everyday behaviour.  
  
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Olivia walked into the squad room and gave her partner a hearty greeting. Elliot returned the favour then went to get himself and Olivia a coffee.  
  
"Gee, you look tired" she stated. "Can't get much sleep working in this place huh?"  
  
Elliot looked at her and smiled, passing her the coffee. "Yeah, I s'pose."  
  
"It's not the job is it?" she looked concerned. "Something else is on your mind.You want to talk about it?"  
  
"Look..I just.. don't worry about it okay Liv? It's nothing."  
  
She was still worried of course. That was Elliot's line whenever something was really annoying him.  
  
Elliot got up from his seat but promptly hung his head and put fingers to his temples.  
  
"You okay?" Liv asked.  
  
"Yeah fine, just a headache." But this particular headache was starting to really hurt him. Memories flashed through his mind. Why was he thinking of those things now? The first time he met Kathy. Encounters with Neil. Getting the glass bottle thrown at his head. Always smiling despite painful lashes from dad. Picking his mother off the floor, helping her to her bed.  
  
"Ahhhh!" he yelled in pain.  
  
"Elliot! What's wrong?" Huang, Fin, Munch and Cragen hurried to the scene.  
  
"God, I...Arghhhhhhhhh!" He grasped his head with both hands and sunk to the floor. He yelled once more in pain then blacked out.  
  
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"Does anyone know what happened here?" Cragen asked. He listened to Olivia's story nodding, with a stern face on. Elliot was upstairs lying on the couch, still unconscious.  
  
Later that day, Munch and Fin had a case to work. A girl was reported to be abused and out on the streets. (But that's another story) Elliot however was still lying down recovering his strength. Olivia was half asleep, working on a stack of paper work.  
  
"Olivia. Could you come to my office?" Captain asked.  
  
She walked to the office, only to find Huang sitting on the captain's desk discussing something with him. She was sure she'd heard her and Elliot's name mentioned.  
  
"Ah, Olivia. Shut the door and take a seat." Don said realizing her presence. "Listen up Olivia, doc here and I need you to do something very important.. concerning Elliot.  
  
"What about him?" she inquired. Huang took over.  
  
"You see Olivia, Elliot has a lot of horrific child memories. If someone could get him to talk about them."  
  
"Hang on a sec, isn't that your job?"  
  
"Yes but, there's no way he'd ever talk to me. He needs to talk to someone who practically knows everything about his present day life."  
  
"Err..you mean his wife?"  
  
"You know who I'm talking about."  
  
"Fine, but you two owe me big."  
  
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"Hey." Liv whispered to Elliot quietly.  
  
"What's up Liv?" he answered "I don't sleep well. Mild insomniac." He stated simply when he saw her eyes widen in surprise.  
  
"You wanna talk now? You know if you don't tell me you know I'll find out some other way."  
  
"Fine. You're a real pain you know?"  
  
"Heh heh. All part of the plan."  
  
"Where should I start?"  
  
"Orphanage. Huang told me."  
  
"Ha. Whatever happened to privilege? Ah well, whatever you say. Now let's see..I remember this stuff real clear."  
  
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As Elliot told Olivia his past, Don Cragen and George Huang were watching Neil's tapes.  
  
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ELLIOT'S FIRST WEEKS (It was labeled)  
  
Elliot stood in the grassy plain which was the oval of the group home. Some nearby kids ran over to him, the leader of this particular group was a tall, twelve year old boy. He had slicked back hair, green eyes and wore a singlet and track pants, his face was scowling, so he obviously didn't like the new kid.  
  
"Hey kid. What's yer name?" The leader (David it says in these notes) asked. Elliot remained silent. "Hey! I asked you what your freakin' name was!" Again Elliot was silent, just looking at the trees which bordered the outside of the fence. After a couple more tries, the gang gave up and moved to tease a young girl who was climbing a tree to get the ball down. They kept shaking the small tree as the girl cried for them to stop. Elliot walked calmly towards the tree.  
  
"It's Elliot, Elliot Stabler." He stated simply.  
  
"Huh? What'd you say?" David took his attention away from the tree and shifted it to Elliot.  
  
"My name, it's Elliot Stabler." David didn't like his tone of voice. He continued "You should stop shaking that tree; I think that girl would be better off getting the ball that way"  
  
"You wanna fight, Stabler?"  
  
"I'd rather not."  
  
"Then keep yer nose in yer own business."  
  
"If you don't stop I'll be forced to though."  
  
"Ha, what could a scrawny little punk like you do? Boys, keep shakin' that tree!" Elliot ran towards the tree to catch the girl if she fell, but was stopped by David. "You got business with me, remember?" Elliot did. He punched him in the face and soon there was a brawl. Elliot, the scrawny ten year old seemed to be winning, until a staff member stepped in and stopped the fight. They were about to be taken to the office when a scream was heard. Anxiously Elliot ran to the tree. The girl was falling. Down. Down. Down. Into Elliot's arms. The girl looked at him, then at David, then back to him. She was terrified.  
  
"Let me go!" she screamed, seeing the damage he'd done to David. "Leave me alone, you monster!" Elliot's face was pained. Even more so when a staff member hit him across the head with a hard object, then restrained him.  
  
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Olivia felt for Elliot. It seemed he had never had any peace in his life, let alone happiness. Elliot winced. His headache was coming back.  
  
"Let him rest awhile, Olivia." Huang's voice came from the doorway. "The messages that go to his brain could overload and he'll end up like before." She nodded then left to get them both lunch.  
  
Elliot wondered if he'd end up having to say everything about himself. Why couldn't they listen to someone else's story? Like Fin's or Munch's? There was just one good thing about all of this though; Liv was being extra nice to him.  
  
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End of Chapter: How am I going? Hope you lot are enjoying this. Once again R&R please! 


	5. The Intermission

Chapter 5-The Intermission  
  
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Olivia woke up sweating in her apartment that evening. She was thinking of Elliot again. How many times had it been tonight? Five? Six? She was about to call Elliot, to check up on him, who cares about his sleeping family? Before she reached the phone, it began to ring.  
  
"Hello?"  
  
"Hey Liv, sorry for waking you."  
  
"That's okay, I was actually about to ring you myself."  
  
"Oh." Liv thought he was talking rather loud. It was two a.m. his family would be asleep. She voiced her concern.  
  
"Nah it's okay. Today all things final, me and Kath are fully divorced." He sounded light hearted.  
  
"God, Elliot you never even told me!" she sounded exasperated "Who got the kids?"  
  
"I did. There was no argument, Kath wanted me to look after them. Maureen's old enough to take care of the rest."  
  
"Why divorce?"  
  
"Everything was fine. Kath needed to get out. She never meant to be a house wife. Maybe one kid, or two, but four is getting her overloaded. She'll visit everyday or two. We were never meant to get married, so we're still gonna stay friends." He clarified.  
  
"Wow. I didn't know it was that simple."  
  
"Well, it is. Just thought you should know."  
  
"Okay. This is officially the weirdest phone call I've ever received."  
  
"Ha ha ha ha." He laughed. Liv never knew she liked hearing him laugh. She hoped he'd do it more often.  
  
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Elliot sat in the lounge room with his kids. Dickie was asleep in his lap, Lizzie was arguing with Kathleen, Maureen was smiling up at her father.  
  
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NEIL'S PERSONAL NOTES: Solitary Confinement Watched Elliot today and as always he was completely silent. I don't know how he does it, every night, then all day the same position, on his bed, staring at the ceiling. It's as though he never sleeps. I hate the fact they've kept him locked in this room ever since the incident with David. That spoiled brat didn't even get a lecture, and they lock Elliot in the solitary room because he's a 'danger to others' and 'unable to receive social contact'. They never asked me, the psychiatrist, about his behaviour; instead, because David is the Warden's son, the judgement was instantly passed over to him. That would have to be the most unfair treatment Elliot's ever received since being here apart from the whack over the head with the baseball bat to 'restrain him and prevent him from becoming more violent'.  
  
Yesterday I brought Elliot his lunch, as well as having a small conversation with him. It is clear that by locking him in this room they are making him more socially estranged. I am extremely worried about what this could do to him in future.  
  
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Early the next morning Elliot was busy filing some old case reports when Huang approached him.  
  
"Morning Elliot. I just came to tell you you've passed on the psyche evaluation."  
  
"What?"  
  
"You've passed."  
  
"Why? Aren't I some psycho freak bent on the destruction of all man kind?"  
  
Huang laughed. "No, you're actually quite healthy. There's no way the events of the past will affect your work here. But, there is an interesting fact I learnt about people with your type of anger syndrome."  
  
"Eh? What's that?"  
  
"Every single person recorded in the states to have this particular problem, except for you, have ended up in a mental hospital, in the highest security sector."  
  
"Ah."  
  
"There's just one more thing, I'll still need a full recount of events from you."  
  
"Damn"  
  
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End of Chapter- Hey, hope the divorce thing wasn't too abrupt, I just decided I didn't like the whole marriage thing and that getting rid of it in one go would be better. Just imagine they'd been planning it a long time k? More to come! Once again, R&R! 


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